For the longest time I always wondered why all the guys I liked didn’t like me and why only guys I didn’t like liked me. It was really uncanny how it worked out; it was like there was a tangible barrier between me and any guy I was remotely interested in. Yet I was a magnet for countless guys I was completely uninterested in. I couldn’t make sense of it. I was the same person, so what was the variable here?

For a while, I was convinced it was God’s way of telling me I was meant to be forever alone. But could it really be some act of cosmic sadism that my love life was hopeless?

Nope. The problem was me.

When I was around a guy I was interested in, I exalted him to such a level that I became insecure of myself. I became self-conscious, unconfident, and uncomfortable. I spent so much time tailoring my own words and actions that all I paid attention to was whether each movement he made and word he spoke meant he approved. I spent so much time micro-managing myself, I couldn’t think about the person I was with.

On the other hand, I was myself around the guys I wasn’t romantically interested in. I was relaxed, confident, comfortable. There was no caution. I wasn’t thinking about myself. I was thinking about the person I was with. And isn’t that what friends are supposed to be doing anyway? Just relaxing and enjoying each other’s company?

I was stuck in this mindset that if a guy didn’t like me, I was at fault and had to change. I was using another person’s approval as a benchmark against which to determine my own identity. I didn’t have the confidence that I was good enough. I don’t know why I didn’t figure this out sooner.

Confidence. Confidence was the variable.

So if I ever wanted others to love me, I had to love myself. Unconditionally. (Sorry for the cliche). I needed to toss the idea that I wasn’t good enough. That I had to seek approval. That another person would already have the upper hand before I even introduced myself. Why was I ingratiating myself to another person? What made him so special? Why could I never see myself as equal?

Once I realized that one person’s approval didn’t and shouldn’t change how I think about myself, I felt enlightened. Empowered. Emboldened. And I guess it showed. The curse was lifted. The stars aligned in my favor. I was immune to the fear of rejection. And ironically, my newfound disregard for caution made rejection far, far less common. I started finding myself with as much success as I could ever ask for.

It took me until my senior year of high school to figure this out: the only approval that matters is the approval you have of yourself. If a guy doesn’t like you for you, then he isn’t for you. And that’s okay.

If they’re too busy to see you, get over them fast.

I’ve come a long way since 6th grade. In 6th grade my first boyfriend and I had never talked before. He asked me to be his girlfriend to which I replied “Sure”. And then we were officially boyfriend and girlfriend for no more than a week.

Today I realize that things aren’t that simple. That the titles of “boyfriend” and “girlfriend” and facebook official really don’t describe the nature or legitimacy of a relationship. That relationships and ways of approaching them are highly personal and individual. Some people are more committal than others; some are in it for the long run while others can’t date someone for more than a couple months. Some people are highly exclusive while others prefer meeting and dating several people. But regardless of whether two people are “official”, feelings can never be official and emotions can never be labeled. Once they develop, they cannot be contained and simplified in a way that a changed facebook relationship status can do justice.

People are drawn to each other by a mutual attraction whether it be to looks or personality or money or social status or something unexplainable. But what I’ve learned over the years is that where two people want to take their attraction to each other isn’t always as easy as “Will you be my girlfriend?”

Right now you’re telling me you’re not sure if you like him or not and that you’re stuck in the middle. And that just a month ago, you were clearly not interested in being in a relationship with him. And now you’re just having second thoughts. You don’t sound like you have a very strong foundation for a relationship right now. And you seem to be rushing to make a decision because you perceive that time is running out. Why rush into a relationship when you’re not even sure about it?

Entering college is the ultimate test of your faithfulness and commitment to your partner, not just because of the distance but by the sheer number of other possibilities. You’re entering a new environment and a new part of your life with new people, and there’s always going to be a part of you that will wonder unless you’re completely secure and stable in your relationship.

My personal philosophy on entering college in a relationship is that it’s only a good idea if you’re entirely sure that you are willing to fully commit yourself to your partner and that you’re in it for the long-term. If not, you have to establish this from the get-go; that once college starts, the relationship ends. Either be together for the summer and end it mutually or be together for the long term. If you enter college with mismatched expectations, things could end badly and your friendship could be ruined.

On the other hand, if you remain close friends, the possibility of being together still exists. But you also have the possibility of finding someone else. If you enter college and realize that maybe he is the right one for you, then what’s to stop you from getting together with him then?

Don’t rush into a decision. Take your time and figure out what you really want. I hope this helped. Good luck with everything! <3

I like real people

The people who know who they are

and know who I am

and know that they don’t need to change a thing

for us to get along

who know I’m different from their other friends

just as their friends are different from me

and don’t make me feel replaceable

with generic greetings and generic questions

who feel comfortable being themselves

who don’t try to be someone they know they’re not

because they know they don’t need to impress me

because they know they aren’t fooling me

because they know it’d hurt me if they stopped being that person I cared about

That person who let their guard down

and laughed at dumb things

and cried at dumber things

and knew that I’d love them no matter what

as long as they didn’t put up their walls

as long as they didn’t make me feel like just another person

as long as they were real to me

and to themselves.

If everyone had this mentality, no one would ever talk. Ever.

If you care about someone and you’re willing to swallow your pride to make things work, talk to them. I remember one of my friends really hurt me and I gave him the cold shoulder. He could’ve easily returned my coldness, insisted he was right and never tried to repair our friendship, but instead he came up to me and apologized, and we’re still close friends today.

It takes one person to break the cycle, but if neither person is willing to step off their high horse, you could lose a friendship forever.

“There is a reason for you being single.”

I got this anonymous comment on Formspring yesterday, and it kind of got me thinking. Something I’ve found very strange about our society (or at least high school society) is the fact that we consider “single” an insult. The implication here of course being that singleness somehow makes a person universally undesirable. Like the fact that I’m not exclusively, proudly, Facebook-officially attached to another person is proof that no one is attracted to me.

Oh please.

Sure, sometimes I like a guy who doesn’t like me back. And by the same token, sometimes guys like me whom I don’t like back. And sometimes I like a guy who likes me back but certain circumstances (such as the fact that we’re going to college in 4 months) prevent us from being in a relationship. It doesn’t mean either of us is undesirable. It just means we or the circumstances aren’t right for each other. There’s someone else out there we’re right for; we just haven’t found them yet.

It makes me sad to see girls choose to date people they don’t like over choosing to wait until things work out with someone they actually do like. These perfectly decent girls chasing a fleeting sense of validation that, in the end, isn’t worth the mistreatment and heartbreak they (and their partners) have to endure. And why do this again and again? Because stupid people like this angry Formspringer perpetuate the notion that being single is bad.

Which brings me to another point that crossed my mind. Does your boyfriend know you spend your free time bashing people anonymously on Formspring?

Obviously, if you view singleness as second-class citizenship while being in a relationship is a crown of the elite, you’re completely missing the point of being in a relationship. It isn’t a free pass to insult people. It doesn’t mean you’re inherently better than me. So instead of trying to make me re-evaluate my worth based on the fact that I’m single, maybe you should consider what you’re in a relationship for. Is it so you can say “my boyfriend” over and over in conversation to make yourself feel important? Is it so you can get twenty likes on your new Facebook relationship status? Is it so you won’t have to feel worthless without someone telling you you’re worth something?

If you think being single is so bad, will you still think you’re amazing after you and your boyfriend break up?

Being successful doesn’t drive men away from women. However, when you list off traits that matter in a romantic partner, personal success may not necessarily be at the top of the list. For example, I find compassion, understanding and honesty to be more important than someone’s level of personal achievement. The problem with being highly accomplished is that it comes with a host of “side effects” that turn men off. Being highly successful doesn’t mean anything if you don’t have the essential traits that men value in a partner.

Highly successful people tend to be self-absorbed and at times arrogant and standoffish. You may be more comfortable spending your time working or bettering yourself than welcoming people into your life. Even if you want a relationship, you may not open yourself up to other people because it would hinder your performance in other activities. You may just expect guys to flock to you because of your achievements. However, this coldness to other people may make you seem intimidating or maybe even unapproachable. Guys may consider that you’re too busy for a relationship, not interested or out of their league. What would someone so focused on their work need from them? And most importantly, being self-absorbed means you may be more interested in fulfilling your own interests than your partner’s.

I find that highly successful people tend to focus on making other people interested in them rather than expressing interest in other people. Naturally, we like to talk about ourselves, and this is even more easy when we have a lot of accomplishments to cover. But as interesting as you may be, if you don’t express interest in the other person and make them feel special, they will never view you as more than just a very interesting, successful person.

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