This summer, I will…
1. produce at least 2 tracks that I’m proud of
2. get published
3. re-learn Vietnamese
4. read the Bible
5. read at least 6 books
6. do paralegal work
It looks like I’m going to be pretty anti-social this summer. Luckily, I’m an introvert and it doesn’t really bother me. I’ve also just realized that most of the people I’ve met at this university are manipulative, opportunistic leeches who only want to see me if it is convenient and beneficial to their personal interests and have absolutely no qualms about consistently bailing on me if something even marginally more beneficial pops up.
On the one hand, it is flattering that people find me successful enough to attempt to ride on my coattails; on the other, I’ve become exponentially more distrustful and misanthropic as I see dishonesty more than honesty. It seems that people think it’s a waste of time to just hang out with someone for the sake of hanging out; everything has to further some goal. Everything is an investment. They’ve seen my growth trajectory and want to purchase stock.
I feel conceited even suggesting this, but I’m too perceptive a person to overlook people taking advantage of my generosity. When they do just enough nice things and flatter me just the right way before they ask for favors and then ignore me after they get what they want. And while I do want to develop a hard shell and play along in this game of manipulation, it is totally against my nature to have a friendship based on dishonesty. I have trouble compartmentalizing friends into those I can trust and those who will stab me in the back at the drop of a hat. How do I play along? How do I stop burning bridges every time I lose trust in someone? This is the one skill of the adult world in which I have fallen far, far behind. I’d rather have no friends at all.
Maybe I’m just being a child. Maybe it’s time to grow up and face the real world where people use each other and call it friendship and wonder why they’re lonely.