Two people can unintentionally hurt each other simply by having different expectations. Normally when someone hurts you, you have a reason to be mad at them. They were insensitive, dishonest, selfish. But when someone hurts you because they don’t return your feelings, you don’t know where to place the blame. Do you blame that person? Do you blame yourself? You don’t know where to direct that short-changed feeling and from whom to demand reparations.

Eventually, you just have to accept that you can’t blame anyone because no one did anything wrong. You both did everything right, but things didn’t go the way you liked. And there’s nothing you can do to “fix” the problem. Accepting that requires giving up control. You cannot feel cheated. You cannot feel that that person is the only person for you. You have to accept that it was and is out of your hands. You have to face the anarchy of being alone and have faith that one day at some unknowable point in the future you’ll find the person who’s right for you.

For the longest time I always wondered why all the guys I liked didn’t like me and why only guys I didn’t like liked me. It was really uncanny how it worked out; it was like there was a tangible barrier between me and any guy I was remotely interested in. Yet I was a magnet for countless guys I was completely uninterested in. I couldn’t make sense of it. I was the same person, so what was the variable here?

For a while, I was convinced it was God’s way of telling me I was meant to be forever alone. But could it really be some act of cosmic sadism that my love life was hopeless?

Nope. The problem was me.

When I was around a guy I was interested in, I exalted him to such a level that I became insecure of myself. I became self-conscious, unconfident, and uncomfortable. I spent so much time tailoring my own words and actions that all I paid attention to was whether each movement he made and word he spoke meant he approved. I spent so much time micro-managing myself, I couldn’t think about the person I was with.

On the other hand, I was myself around the guys I wasn’t romantically interested in. I was relaxed, confident, comfortable. There was no caution. I wasn’t thinking about myself. I was thinking about the person I was with. And isn’t that what friends are supposed to be doing anyway? Just relaxing and enjoying each other’s company?

I was stuck in this mindset that if a guy didn’t like me, I was at fault and had to change. I was using another person’s approval as a benchmark against which to determine my own identity. I didn’t have the confidence that I was good enough. I don’t know why I didn’t figure this out sooner.

Confidence. Confidence was the variable.

So if I ever wanted others to love me, I had to love myself. Unconditionally. (Sorry for the cliche). I needed to toss the idea that I wasn’t good enough. That I had to seek approval. That another person would already have the upper hand before I even introduced myself. Why was I ingratiating myself to another person? What made him so special? Why could I never see myself as equal?

Once I realized that one person’s approval didn’t and shouldn’t change how I think about myself, I felt enlightened. Empowered. Emboldened. And I guess it showed. The curse was lifted. The stars aligned in my favor. I was immune to the fear of rejection. And ironically, my newfound disregard for caution made rejection far, far less common. I started finding myself with as much success as I could ever ask for.

It took me until my senior year of high school to figure this out: the only approval that matters is the approval you have of yourself. If a guy doesn’t like you for you, then he isn’t for you. And that’s okay.

i have SO MUCH LOVE to give and no one to give it to

If they’re too busy to see you, get over them fast.

I am in love with Jeffrey Campbell litas, but there are two major problems.

1) I’m 5’6 so these would put me at around 6 ft and I don’t like towering over everyone else.

2) They’re expensive as hell.

Sigh.

and my dog came running to eat it, but knowing that chocolate causes harm to dogs, I quickly picked it up and threw it away — much to his disappointment.

I began to think,

I would NEVER allow my dog, my baby, to eat even the tiniest bit of chocolate even if I knew such a small amount wasn’t going to hurt him. I just care about him too much.

And I began to understand how parents can be overprotective of their children,

Sure one cigarette or one drink or one party won’t actually harm your child and he or she may really enjoy it,

but just the mere idea of harm coming to your child is enough to make you snip it at the bud.

So there’s me finding profound meaning in something as trivial as dropping part of a donut on the floor at 2 in the morning.